its_game_time: (You keep talking; I'll keep facepalming.)
Phase "is it a fighting game yet" Contrast ([personal profile] its_game_time) wrote2012-06-16 06:08 pm

Bad movie, good movie?

WELL. As I stated previously, I've been doing my best to avoid news of the upcoming RE live action movie, as well as keeping quiet on what I do see -- BUT APPARENTLY [livejournal.com profile] tao_empress LIKES ME WHEN I'M ANGRY, and since she went to the trouble of linking me to Retribution's E3 trailer, I decided wtf, I'll amuse her because I love her. ♥

SO, I watched said trailer, and typed up my reactions as I was doing so.


Disclaimer #1: Regarding these movies, I've seen the argument a couple times that they're purposely so different from the games because it makes sense; the games, after all, have cutscenes and such, so why just transpose that onto the big screen rather than coming up with a new plot altogether?

Honestly, I see the sense in this argument, and it's an opinion I can respect -- I don't agree with it, but I'll respect the opinion nonetheless. In that regard, I'm gonna save myself time and frustration by not pointing out and dwelling on every little detail that the movies change from canon. Canon-rape is a given at this point, so unless it's something particularly wtf-worthy, I won't throw a fit over it, since changes are bound to happen in any adaptation.

This does not, however, excuse these films from the fact that they

-star the worst Mary-Sue since Twilight and CSI: Miami.
-have ridiculous, homemade special effects that teenage kids on YouTube can outdo with nothing more than Photoshop and a video camera.
-have a talentless cast.
-know absolutely nothing about guns -- and don't attempt to do any kind of background research to correct this.
-know absolutely nothing about science -- and don't attempt to do any kind of background research to correct this.
-are full of plot holes and contradictions.
-don't even try to accurately portray any canon characters.
-feature the most embarrassing attempts at fight scenes that I have ever seen.
-are obviously a cheap, haphazard effort thrown together to make a quick profit.

And these points are really why I despise this franchise so deeply, and thus they are what I insist on pointing out and ridiculing.

Disclaimer #2: As stated above, I respect the opinions of others -- and I'm aware that some of my online buddies like or at least tolerate the films, so let me go ahead and point out that any attack I make on the films is not an attack on you guys. I don't look down or hate on those who like the movies; I don't ignore or attack movie!characters if they respond to posts of mine in RP Land.

I think everyone on my f-list is mature enough to recognize that my dissing something you like isn't dissing you, but just in case, there it is. I've got buds with different political opinions than me, different religious views, whatever; something as insignificant as movie preferences isn't going to ~incite my wrath~ or anything.

In short, IT IS ALL COOL, BROS. IT IS NOTHING PERSONAL UNLESS YOUR NAME IS PAUL W.S. ANDERSON.

Anyway, HERE WE GO:

...Okay, right away we start with a guy making a comment about HOW BEAUTIFUL ALICE IS.

Seriously? Seriously? Ugh. Whatever.

...Oh, God, is her husband Carlos?? I CAN'T TELL.

LMAO WTF PLAGA-ZOMBIES ARE BACK AND JUST BREAK INTO HER ~PERFECT LIFE~? And wow, there goes the surprise/startling factor for that scene when you actually watch the movie.

Oh, wait, ADA says it's ALL A LIE. Awwwwwww, what's wrong, Alice? Are you not adapting well to having been unplugged from the Matrix?

Whoooooop, there we go, ALICE waking up in nothing but a towel again! And of course, we HAVE to have the "MY NAME IS ALICE" tagline.

Aaaand now Wesker is alive and has trapped Alice in some kind of giant room...? I'm assuming she's broken out somehow, because why would he take the chance of letting her walk around? Why didn't he eat her? ...Oh, wait, that's right, logic Doesn't Apply Here.

Fffff, there's Jill again, walking around with her P30 device ALL OUT IN THE OPEN, just ASKING to be ripped off. And hey, she actually has boobs now!

....Oh, please don't tell me Umbrella went to the trouble of CLONING EVERYONE IN ALICE'S LIFE. I think that black dude might even be THAT black dude in the first film... And wait, how do they know Alice knows all these people? Even more importantly, how did they get all of their DNA to make these clones?

"THEY USED ME TO PERFECT THE VIRUS." ....Uhhhhhhh-huhhh. You mean kinda like when Wesker used Jill to perfect a virus in canon? 'B| Then again, I'm probably giving you way too much credit there; I doubt you bothered reading any of the files in RE5 that went into Jill's ties with Uroboros.

Alice's chain-fighting scene already looks terrible and ridiculous.

What is up with Alice's ridiculous outfit? She has a history of retarded costumes, but this one looks like the unfortunate result of Isaac Clarke having a baby with a Ninja Turtle.

Oh, look, a licker.

"When evil goes global?" THE WORLD IS ALREADY IN A POST-APOCALYPTIC STATE. EVIL IS EVERYWHERE -- ZOMBIES, PSYCHO HOBOS, RANDOM UMBRELLA DUDES, YOU NAME IT.

Sooooo Wesker's taken over major cities all over the world? WHY IS HE CALLING THIS AN ACHIEVEMENT? THE WORLD IS FULL OF NOTHING BUT ZOMBIES AND A HANDFUL OF SURVIVORS -- I COULD WALK INTO WASHINGTON AND CLAIM IT FOR MYSELF AND NO ONE WOULD ARGUE.

OOOOOOOOOO~ ALICE HAS SUCH A SRS FACE. "I'M GOING TO ~KILL YOU~" Yeah, okay. Only because you're Miss Queen of the Universe.

Oh, it's a giant licker.

Well, the music is nice.

PFFFF LEON. YOU LOOK LIKE SAWYER.

lmao what is that shot of Jill jumping out of the chopper? Augh I hate all the ridiculous faces she makes. ...Come to think of it, why is she getting off the chopper -- why is anyone getting off? Her orders in the last film were to KILL EVERYONE, and those choppers have plenty of guns on them to wipe out all of those unarmed people.

Ugh, all the slooooowwwwww-mooooooooooo

PFFFFF WHAT ARE THESE FACES ALICE IS MAKING X'DDDD

...A chainsaw. What looks to be an armored!Majini with a chainsaw. Guess you're still ripping various and random things from RE5 just to prove that you know it exists?

Mooooooorrrrre sloooooooooooooow-mooooooooooooooooooooo

...How does a car that small crash into a licker that big and send it flying? Through a wall, to boot?

Oh, Alice. "Hey! You lookin' for a written invitation?" .........../headdesk

Pfffff, that huge "MILLA JOVOVICH" title card -- it's not as if it's "BRAD PITT" or "KEANU REEVES" or "ANGELINA JOLIE." You should not be bragging that she's in your movie; if a viewer isn't already familiar with the franchise, s/he's not gonna see this and giddily exclaim "OH MY GAWSH, MILLA JOVOVICH?!? TOTES MUST SEE!"

Moooooooorrrrre slooooooooooooooooooooowwwww-moooooooooooooooo -- now with a catering-to-3D shot!

AAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA JILL KICKED ALICE ACROSS THE SCREEN OMG YES \o/

ONE SEC I MUST .GIF THIS:



THAT IS BEAUTIFUL.



...And then the next shot of ALICE attacking her is in SLOW-MO~ ...wait, why are they fighting with sickles and sticks? And when you look, even if that sickle had hit Jill in the face, it would've been the blunt end that made contact.

...

/rubs forehead

Not to mention that with the way Jill kicks her that far, P30 must give her superhuman abilities, after all (apparently she got the GOOD STUFF, as all Claire's dose did was turn her into a rabid animal) -- and yet Alice is managing to keep up enough to fight her one-on-one? ....Yeaaaah, Alice TOTALLY HAS NO SUPERPOWERS ANYMORE, RITE.

...OH WAIT -- wow. They actually made some improvements to Jill's battlesuit. 8| Color me very surprised -- it actually has the studs on the back, and doesn't look entirely like a crappy cosplay attempt made from Dollar Tree materials. Heck, they probably bought this costume from a cosplay store on eBay or something.

IN THEATERS SEPTEMBER 2012~ ....yeaaaaah, I really don't care.

So, from what I've seen and read, it's sounding like Jill is the Main Antagonist while Wesker is more of a side figure -- which is freaking hilarious to me, idek. On one hand, I am extremely Flynn-faising in every sense; they already character-raped P30!Jill like whoa and I'm not expecting any improvements, so now she'll just have a lame goal slapped onto her to-do list. Not to mention Her Majesty will ultimately just beat her up at the end to SAAAAVE HER BECAUSE NO ONE ELSE IS ~TALENTED~ AND ~NINJA~ AND ~WONDERFUL ENOUGH~ TO DO SO. Or I'm half-expecting another Nemesis incident, where Alice GETS THROUGH to Jill, who then turns on Wesker.

But on the OTHER hand, I figure that putting Jill as the antagonist is as close to good as these movies are going to get -- at least now she gets to beat ALICE up a bit, and if she's the bad guy, then by process of elimination she's not the Incompetent Female Side Character who's repeatedly useless and needs to be saved by the Queen in every scene. Plus it's nice to see a Jill-to-Alice beatdown when Milla has openly harbored a grudge against Jill in the past. ALL THIS WILL DO IS EXPAND MOVIE!JILL'S FANBASE, WHICH IS ALREADY WAAAAY BIGGER THAN THE ALICE FANBASE, SO NYAH. /SO MATURE, I KNOW

I don't know if I can stomach another Anderson film, but I know I'll at least be looking up the Jill+Alice fight scenes. B] ...Even if I'm sure it'll just completely ruin and make a laughing stock out of what were originally totally awesome fight scenes in canon, a la that Wesker/Chris/ShevaClaire fight. B[

SO OVERALL... well, it's still an Anderson film and it still stars Milla, so even if you ignore the canon source upon which it's very loosely based, it's still going to epically suck. Umbrella's obviously no more competent than before, the plotholes and contradictions are already visible, the slow-mo is abused terribly, and, as always, it is ALL ABOUT ALICE, who steals the spotlight as well as interesting roles/details from other characters. I'm wondering why Umbrella bothered cloning ALL THE PEOPLE IN HER LIFE, but then, Umbrella has never made even a shred of sense in these movies; they can't be aiming for the Emotional Factor, hoping to throw Alice off by having her battle people she loves, because OH YEAH, SHE NEVER GIVES A RAT'S BUTT WHENEVER A FRIEND DIES. The most emotional she ever got was when Carlos died, but that was just because they had a ~Thing~ YEAH, WHAT A COINCIDENCE, HUH? ALICE'S ONE LOVE INTEREST HAPPENS TO BE ONE OF THE GUYS WHO, IN CANON, WAS OPENLY AND TOTALLY INTO JILL. Call me presumptuous, but I just can't help but give that a narrow look.

On the plus side? .............Uh. ........Well. To be fair, it's actually a pretty well-made trailer; if I didn't already know of its fail, I'd think it looked like an interesting movie. And some of the costumes don't look half bad? The canon ones, anyway, as Alice's wardrobe is still retarded. Ada's is spot-on, but it's just Really Good Cosplay Quality, not Hollywood Quality; Jill's outfit looks more accurate than before, although it's far from perfect and I've seen much better cosplays; and I can actually recognize Leon even without ~The Haircut~. And it looks like Anderson's attempting some kind of plot besides "NAKED LADY KILLS ZOMBIES AND SAVES HER STUPID FRIENDS," but considering it STILL has that in addition to whatever (terrible) ideas he's cooked up, that means nothing.

It's too late to win anything but scorn and derision from me, Anderson, so you can take your fake fanservice and shove it.


The BEST PART about all this, though, was when I was talking with my sisters about it and I again wondered aloud why Wesker didn't just eat Alice if he captured her, since that was his goal for all of the fourth movie -- and then in the next room over, my mom calls in, "Because she wasn't on the menu!"

PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT XDDDD

EVEN SHE REMEMBERS THAT TERRIBLE LINE LKSDJFLKSJDFSDS /DEAD FOREVER

Hoo.

Moving on, let's go in a different direction: I recently watched a trailer for the new Spider-Man movie, courtesy of my 3DS. Honestly, I hadn't watched anything on the movie since the first or second teaser, waaaaay back when; for whatever reason, this reboot just failed to capture my attention or my heart.


I'm not gonna say I'm in love with it yet, but I was surprised at the content of the trailer. My sister put it accurately when she said that this doesn't look like the first film in a series -- it looks like the second or third. There was none of the usual "HEY BOYS AND GIRLS. THIS IS PETER PARKER, NERD AND SCIENCE WIZ WHO'S IN LOVE WITH MARY-JANE WATSON. OMG, HE WAS JUST BITTEN BY A SPECIAL SPIDER -- NOW HE WILL SPEND THE REST OF THIS MOVIE/EPISODE LEARNING THAT WITH GREAT POWER COMES GREAT RESPONSIBILITY"

Nope. I saw none of that. This trailer was "I AM SPIDER-MAN AND I HAVE MADE ENEMIES LOOK OSCORP IS HERE SO IS DOC CONNORS OH HI GWEN OMG PEOPLE MIGHT KNOW MY IDENTITY AND THERE IS A MAJOR MANHUNT GOING ON FOR ME I NEVER KNEW MY PARENTS BUT THEY HAD A HUGE SECRET THAT I WANT TO DISCOVER UGH THERE GOES NORMAN CREEPING ON ME AGAIN OH NOW THE LIZARD IS HERE BRB FREAKIN' AWESOME FIGHT SCENES HOLY CRAP DID SOMEONE JUST UNMASK ME DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN"

I was just like.

Dude.

Mind blown much?

Naturally, I will put special emphasis on the fight scenes -- what I could see of them (since they were so fleeting and fast-paced) was awesome. While I loved the first trilogy of Spidey movies, this film seems to be flaunting a bit that it's taking major advantage of Spidey's abilities and giving him a fighting style that's much closer to his comic counterpart(s).

In that regard, I got my hands on a demo for the Amazing Spider-Man video game (again, courtesy of my 3DS), and while I've said before that nine out of ten movie-based games are total crap, this one looks potentially promising. What I took away the most was the moveset Spidey had during actual gameplay; much like the Batman: Arkham series, Spidey has a decent range of signature moves that really feel like Spidey, and they differ depending on your position and how you react. No joke, I was actually sitting there cheering and laughing excitedly to myself over how awesome, creative, and completely Spidey-esque these moves were. If the movie has anything half as good in its fight scenes, I will love it.

And FFFFFFFFFF OMG IN THAT TRAILER "You found my weakness! It's... small knives!" X'DDDDDDD

YES OKAY I AM RATHER EXCITE FOR IT NOW.

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